NYC Public Service Announcement: What to Do If the Hellmouth Opens

You got this!

So, the Hellmouth has opened in New York City. If your Sunday morning brunch or grocery shopping is interrupted by a horde of sulfur-spewing demons, your first reaction might be panic, and that’s OK! Seeing Astrapuch the Destroyer swallow your roommate’s soul right in front of you isn’t exactly an everyday event — because draining your spiritual essence is usually something left up to your landlord or boss, right?

Sorry, that was a bit of government-funded humor for you. Nonetheless, the opening of the Hellmouth is a very serious event. If it stays open for too long, we may experience millions of casualties, and the infernal flames will scorch all neighborhoods in a three-mile radius. This may result in drastically lower rents in those neighborhoods, which sounds like a good thing until you realize you’ll need to master protective spells and the holy hand grenade to survive every night.

Also, if Mennoch the Unknown emerges from the portal, it’ll only be safe to leave your apartment between the hours of eight and ten, when the morning light is strongest and it’ll have less chance of spotting you with its thousand eyes, which, as we’re told by the city’s Commissioner for the Dark Arts, see primarily in infrared. This could negatively impact your commute and…